Relinquish

re·lin·quish

verb; voluntarily cease to keep or claim; give up.

I have a saying displayed on my desk that is "You can do anything but not everything". It's in bright red and right in my line of sight. I'm a very sensitive person by nature and a care taker. To relinquish and let go of hurt and disappointment is difficult for me. I've been trying to let it be more often. To open and soften my heart instead of being on constant guard. 

Now, I feel like this comes with a balance for me. On one side of the line is who I was...the doormat, the punching bag, the weak one. On the other...I can go to far and have to many walls with barbed wire and sharks with lasers on their heads. I also recharge in being alone (this is very hard to do with a 4 year old by the way). 

I'm stepping out in new ways. For one...I'm writing again. Wahoo! Two is that I'm pushing my body, heart, and spirit in ways I haven't before. I'm also trying to branch off from being my home body self, doing fun things with my family. 

This is a short one and a not so flashy or wittily written one. Sorry for that, I just watched If I Stay and it made me cry more than the book so maybe I'm out of wit for the moment. 

Testing, Testing, 1 2 3

I've had a lot happen in the past 6 months to make me re-evaluate my life and my priorities. Some has been good, and unfortunately, a lot has been bad. People have stepped up to the plate and cemented their place in my life while others have broken my heart and disappointed me greatly. I've had new people placed on the side of the road that I'm traveling that have renewed my spirit in areas that had gone dark. My husband and I have reconnected on levels that I think surprise both of us, growing together and standing firm.

During the midst of all of this, I began a test. Only a couple of people knew I was beginning this test, and for good reason. I began to cease communication with people. Phone, text, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, all form of messengers. I went dark.

A lot of folks may not have noticed at all, since they reached out to me quickly and frequently. Others, however, are fast approaching a month with no communication with me. Not a peep. I told myself that I'd give people a month. One solid month, 30 days, 4 weeks, roughly 730 hours. During this stretch of time, all they had to do was reach out to me more than once. The amount of people that are failing at this astounds me and cuts me to the quick. These are people I consider my inner circle, my family, adopted family to my daughter who has already lost so much.

I'm not writing this as a plea for attention, or to prompt people to contact me. Quite the opposite actually. It's one more piece of the puzzle and phase in the test. This will go unread by them, ignored in their email or Facebook feed, passed over in their day to day readings.

As I started out, my life is in a state of flux. Priorities are being adjusted, righted if you will. My thinking is clearing, my heart is both opening like a flower and building walls, my soul is finding rest and craving old vices. I love very fiercely and very rarely make that love conditional. This time it is a condition. Either I am on your list of priorities or you are not on mine. Welcome to the beginning of my closing and I hope you make it to the next chapter.


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