Relinquish

re·lin·quish

verb; voluntarily cease to keep or claim; give up.

I have a saying displayed on my desk that is "You can do anything but not everything". It's in bright red and right in my line of sight. I'm a very sensitive person by nature and a care taker. To relinquish and let go of hurt and disappointment is difficult for me. I've been trying to let it be more often. To open and soften my heart instead of being on constant guard. 

Now, I feel like this comes with a balance for me. On one side of the line is who I was...the doormat, the punching bag, the weak one. On the other...I can go to far and have to many walls with barbed wire and sharks with lasers on their heads. I also recharge in being alone (this is very hard to do with a 4 year old by the way). 

I'm stepping out in new ways. For one...I'm writing again. Wahoo! Two is that I'm pushing my body, heart, and spirit in ways I haven't before. I'm also trying to branch off from being my home body self, doing fun things with my family. 

This is a short one and a not so flashy or wittily written one. Sorry for that, I just watched If I Stay and it made me cry more than the book so maybe I'm out of wit for the moment. 

A closing

For the past decade my life has been a plethora of carnival rides. I'd go with the standard roller coaster comment but it doesn't seem to fit. You see, I never knew which ride I was stepping onto that day. Any decision I made could also change the ride I was on, or a decision that wasn't made. Most of these rides did not end with me on a color wheel sugar induced adrenaline rush. Not me, I ended up on the floor with the nauseating head spinning confusion/fear/terror and tears. You see, the love of my life put me there. Now we know the cause, Borderline Personality Disorder, and the solution of medication and therapy. He is back to the love of my life. 

For the past almost 4 years of my life, I've had one very beautiful reason to wake up and go about life each day. My daughter. Who is light and amazing and stubborn and love and all things sugar and spice. In time with my husband finding his diagnosis and getting on the road to health, my grip on the reasons to go through my day to day began to slip. My temper got shorter, the tears became more frequent, and all I wanted to was sleep.

Now...now...now now now. Bipolar. Mood stabilizers. Tranquilizers. No work and trying to figure out what's next. I have a job waiting for me to get back to, it's corporate, has benefits, makes good money, but sucks my joy out. Options...staying at home and doing my own business thing (Scentsy, Origami Owl, doTerra, etc), finding a virtual version of my job, or ...the unknown. I'm not good with unknowns or the loose ends of life. I know it something good though...I can feel it. Or I hope for it. Pray for it. 

That's why this is a closing. I'm still in the midst of the closing, waiting for my opening.