Relinquish

re·lin·quish

verb; voluntarily cease to keep or claim; give up.

I have a saying displayed on my desk that is "You can do anything but not everything". It's in bright red and right in my line of sight. I'm a very sensitive person by nature and a care taker. To relinquish and let go of hurt and disappointment is difficult for me. I've been trying to let it be more often. To open and soften my heart instead of being on constant guard. 

Now, I feel like this comes with a balance for me. On one side of the line is who I was...the doormat, the punching bag, the weak one. On the other...I can go to far and have to many walls with barbed wire and sharks with lasers on their heads. I also recharge in being alone (this is very hard to do with a 4 year old by the way). 

I'm stepping out in new ways. For one...I'm writing again. Wahoo! Two is that I'm pushing my body, heart, and spirit in ways I haven't before. I'm also trying to branch off from being my home body self, doing fun things with my family. 

This is a short one and a not so flashy or wittily written one. Sorry for that, I just watched If I Stay and it made me cry more than the book so maybe I'm out of wit for the moment. 

Coming back to center

It's been a long time since I sat here to get my thoughts out. A lot happened and didn't happen. I got lost in the day to day, putting others first...as per usual. I forgot about me...also as per usual.

Then there is the 'but' of this piece. Isn't there always a but? Here's mine: My husband did something that was the equivalent of him shouting that its OK for me to have my space and time for me to be well. He built me a gorgeous desk and gave me one of our spare rooms as an office...the one with big windows and lots of light. I look out onto our front garden and the little cul-de-sac that we occupy. He's an action type of guy, my wondrous partner in crime. Those actions speak so much louder to my heart and soul than empty words.

Here's my other but: People suck. In my working life and personal life, I keep allowing these people to take precedence over my own well being. In some ways they should, but a balance needs to be kept. See what I did there? Life unbalanced? Again, my life mate pops me with a big dose of truth. He said that my nature is to mother or be the care taker. True. But he said that part of me seems to attract people that are not whole, that are broken. I quipped that I believe we are all broken to which he just chuckled. He went on to say that this ultimately leads to pain for me because broken people lash out, broken people have their own truths, broken people use my mothering and then....well I'll just stop there.

I've let myself fall into unhealthy habits. The blame is squarely with me, on all of it. No one else but me. I've got to go back to center, my center. If I'm unbalanced, how can I care for those I love?

What if I fall?

Life is funny. Not always funny as in haha but funny as in wait, what? It will make decisions for you if you don't make a move first, which almost always goes badly. God places people in your path and then leaves, all the while you're sitting there thinking "yay, friends!", who are ultimately just pages in your book meant to teach you an over all lesson. I think that's one of my hardest things in life, why do lessons need to be painful?

I watch it with my daughter, who at 4 goes through immense pain to learn small lessons like following a schedule or eating what's given to her at dinner, beg for hugs and cuddles to deal with it. I sit here at almost 30 and the pain is still there. I follow the path I think is right or best and end up curled up in bed crying watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. But, oh and it's such a big but (pun slightly intended), I also watch other people in life who don't give a flying fart what they are doing get nothing but blessings. I realize that this may only be from the outside looking in but it still is confusing and only adds to the pain.

I want to have blind faith. I so desperately want to let go and know that my tears are futile and all will be well.

The flip side of this coin is that while this pain is going on, God often slips in someone or something that is your light in the darkness. That sneaky 'lil devil (hah! again with the puns today.). Maybe it's all that I tend to focus on the wrong thing, the pain or the lesson teacher, instead of that light. Or sometimes I mistake the lesson teacher for the light, those times are rough. Do you ever do that? Am I alone in this?

Chapter Unfolding

Sometimes you can feel clairvoyant in this life. My previous post did exactly what I expected and more people failed my little experiment. It's a shame because I see beautiful things beginning to bloom in my life. I've had to restrain from exploding on some individuals due to the hurt they have cause my heart. So, I'm taking time to put pen to paper before I respond to them.

I feel like my life has been a garden the past couple of years. I've been working it diligently. Tilling the soil, watering accordingly, removing the overgrowth and weeds, replacing them with new life. My daughter's day care focuses very intently on 'living things' and how to respect them. This includes plant life as well as humans and animals. The teachers explain to these young kids that if you hurt a plant, it can't scream out in pain or run away if you are hurting it, but we must respect them all the same. I feel like this can be a metaphor for how life can operate. Some people scream and run...some people are silent and take the pain. I tend to be the latter.

Back to my metaphorical garden. I saw a bloom. It may be small, just beginning to show it's colors, small green leaves opening up to add to the show. But a bloom it is. With new growth comes hope and life. I'm so very excited to see where things go from here and what this new chapter is going to bring. I probably should mix the book and garden metaphor, huh? Oh well, I guess I'm a rebel that way!

Testing, Testing, 1 2 3

I've had a lot happen in the past 6 months to make me re-evaluate my life and my priorities. Some has been good, and unfortunately, a lot has been bad. People have stepped up to the plate and cemented their place in my life while others have broken my heart and disappointed me greatly. I've had new people placed on the side of the road that I'm traveling that have renewed my spirit in areas that had gone dark. My husband and I have reconnected on levels that I think surprise both of us, growing together and standing firm.

During the midst of all of this, I began a test. Only a couple of people knew I was beginning this test, and for good reason. I began to cease communication with people. Phone, text, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, all form of messengers. I went dark.

A lot of folks may not have noticed at all, since they reached out to me quickly and frequently. Others, however, are fast approaching a month with no communication with me. Not a peep. I told myself that I'd give people a month. One solid month, 30 days, 4 weeks, roughly 730 hours. During this stretch of time, all they had to do was reach out to me more than once. The amount of people that are failing at this astounds me and cuts me to the quick. These are people I consider my inner circle, my family, adopted family to my daughter who has already lost so much.

I'm not writing this as a plea for attention, or to prompt people to contact me. Quite the opposite actually. It's one more piece of the puzzle and phase in the test. This will go unread by them, ignored in their email or Facebook feed, passed over in their day to day readings.

As I started out, my life is in a state of flux. Priorities are being adjusted, righted if you will. My thinking is clearing, my heart is both opening like a flower and building walls, my soul is finding rest and craving old vices. I love very fiercely and very rarely make that love conditional. This time it is a condition. Either I am on your list of priorities or you are not on mine. Welcome to the beginning of my closing and I hope you make it to the next chapter.


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A closing

For the past decade my life has been a plethora of carnival rides. I'd go with the standard roller coaster comment but it doesn't seem to fit. You see, I never knew which ride I was stepping onto that day. Any decision I made could also change the ride I was on, or a decision that wasn't made. Most of these rides did not end with me on a color wheel sugar induced adrenaline rush. Not me, I ended up on the floor with the nauseating head spinning confusion/fear/terror and tears. You see, the love of my life put me there. Now we know the cause, Borderline Personality Disorder, and the solution of medication and therapy. He is back to the love of my life. 

For the past almost 4 years of my life, I've had one very beautiful reason to wake up and go about life each day. My daughter. Who is light and amazing and stubborn and love and all things sugar and spice. In time with my husband finding his diagnosis and getting on the road to health, my grip on the reasons to go through my day to day began to slip. My temper got shorter, the tears became more frequent, and all I wanted to was sleep.

Now...now...now now now. Bipolar. Mood stabilizers. Tranquilizers. No work and trying to figure out what's next. I have a job waiting for me to get back to, it's corporate, has benefits, makes good money, but sucks my joy out. Options...staying at home and doing my own business thing (Scentsy, Origami Owl, doTerra, etc), finding a virtual version of my job, or ...the unknown. I'm not good with unknowns or the loose ends of life. I know it something good though...I can feel it. Or I hope for it. Pray for it. 

That's why this is a closing. I'm still in the midst of the closing, waiting for my opening.