Relinquish

re·lin·quish

verb; voluntarily cease to keep or claim; give up.

I have a saying displayed on my desk that is "You can do anything but not everything". It's in bright red and right in my line of sight. I'm a very sensitive person by nature and a care taker. To relinquish and let go of hurt and disappointment is difficult for me. I've been trying to let it be more often. To open and soften my heart instead of being on constant guard. 

Now, I feel like this comes with a balance for me. On one side of the line is who I was...the doormat, the punching bag, the weak one. On the other...I can go to far and have to many walls with barbed wire and sharks with lasers on their heads. I also recharge in being alone (this is very hard to do with a 4 year old by the way). 

I'm stepping out in new ways. For one...I'm writing again. Wahoo! Two is that I'm pushing my body, heart, and spirit in ways I haven't before. I'm also trying to branch off from being my home body self, doing fun things with my family. 

This is a short one and a not so flashy or wittily written one. Sorry for that, I just watched If I Stay and it made me cry more than the book so maybe I'm out of wit for the moment. 

Coming back to center

It's been a long time since I sat here to get my thoughts out. A lot happened and didn't happen. I got lost in the day to day, putting others first...as per usual. I forgot about me...also as per usual.

Then there is the 'but' of this piece. Isn't there always a but? Here's mine: My husband did something that was the equivalent of him shouting that its OK for me to have my space and time for me to be well. He built me a gorgeous desk and gave me one of our spare rooms as an office...the one with big windows and lots of light. I look out onto our front garden and the little cul-de-sac that we occupy. He's an action type of guy, my wondrous partner in crime. Those actions speak so much louder to my heart and soul than empty words.

Here's my other but: People suck. In my working life and personal life, I keep allowing these people to take precedence over my own well being. In some ways they should, but a balance needs to be kept. See what I did there? Life unbalanced? Again, my life mate pops me with a big dose of truth. He said that my nature is to mother or be the care taker. True. But he said that part of me seems to attract people that are not whole, that are broken. I quipped that I believe we are all broken to which he just chuckled. He went on to say that this ultimately leads to pain for me because broken people lash out, broken people have their own truths, broken people use my mothering and then....well I'll just stop there.

I've let myself fall into unhealthy habits. The blame is squarely with me, on all of it. No one else but me. I've got to go back to center, my center. If I'm unbalanced, how can I care for those I love?